Adages of You and Them

(A personal letter to one’s self)

You

You have two exquisite virtues. You are able to love genuinely and selflessly. You have unfaltering awe and affirmation towards the complexities and becoming facets of others.

You and Them

The universal insatiable need is this: to be known, understood, accepted and loved without condition. It is a plaguing void that unites and identifies us all as human.

You

Your steadfast assurance and introspective awareness is irresistible. Drawing all walks towards you. You always receive them. You cannot help yourself. You empathize in their humanness.

You recognize you will fail them, that they will fail you and they will fail each other.

You choose to be chewed up and spit out.

Them

Cynicism is prevention. Claim yourself a realist and notice your impenetrability.  Embrace relativism to cast aside disappointment.

Only then you will conquer. Survive rather than succumb. 

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” - C.S. Lewis

Needs A Working Title

Woody Allen penned the script of my life.

He compiled yours to give himself a challenge.

Too bad for you.

I ask, I get, I fail.

I do not know what I am doing. I do not know what I am. I am no Maker. I do not do according to my definitions (I try). In fact, I do not own or originate my definitions. My definitions were designed, inherent, not by my doing or will; but from another source. Perhaps it is Nature, many conclude such; but Nature is not my maker, its my environment, my stimulus, a force that teaches me cause and effect. Nature does not create, it functions on the basis of its design. I am Nature. I can contribute to cause and effect; but by no means do I control, have authority over or manipulate it to my will.

I am cluelessly self aware.
I am fooled into worldly omniscience.
I am delusional for control.

This self-proclaimed moronic genius stands atop her soapbox exclaiming, “For I know best!”

And how wrong she is.

(Head-slap. Oh. Jeremiah 29:10-14)

December 23.2010

A simple observation that I have realized about myself is that I do not do the Unknown very well. Grand uncertainty stirs up a form of fear and insecurity that leaves me very unsettled. Now, I do maintain a more than adequate amount of spontaneity and flexibility, almost to the point where it can prove to be debilitating to myself; but I thrive best within some form of defined boundaries.

I can explain this best by implementing a short spectrum: intense black and white acting as polar opposites with a minimal to slightly moderate amount of gray in between. I try to keep my gray under control.

Control is my keyword.

As of late, my life stage has become gray. My polar absolutes remain to be my menial paychecks, my frustrated passions and the steadfast Lord. I have been maintaining; but desire the beginning of another secure adventure (oxymoron). I have been coping well until the Whirlwind came. This was the adventure to take on, my challenge; but it manifested itself in the worst of ways.

I am formulating an unwanted escape to remedy my disheveled self.

A Multitude of Sorries?

December 18.2010

I dreamt about plucking decomposing fish from my teeth. My subconscious not only confirms my first intuition about you, but also has informed me that there was no need for my apology.

In Retrospect to set the Context

June 24.2009

Infatuated or in love? I am still uncertain. This could be something that I have formulated for myself, neglecting the promptings of the Lord. Reality says, “to good to be true”, but the seemingly genuine pursuit and interest has caused me to forgo myself and allow my heart to tumble. I confessed to him my state of head-over-heels, and now, it’s a case of cold feet.

Hot to cold too fast, the excitement was too exhilarating. I’m in trouble.

This road is familiar to the crippling devastation I suffered through yesteryear. Have I gained the experience to keep busy and equipped for the remainder of my life in this regard? Or have I learned that I will always be a sucker?

There can be only two possibilities: either I have found a compliment, or I have established an idol to transfix myself upon.

My hopeless-romantic-self hopes for a divine knitting of a beautiful story.

Here is what I pray: to be illuminated with truth, to see the realistic perspective that He sees and put to rest my flawed analytical thought.

It is devastating to find that my miserable moments are only when I genuinely delight in my God. Perhaps I should be thankful for hardship and continually pray for it, otherwise, when happy, I may decide it’s not worth knowing God at all.


June 28.2009

I am furious that I allowed myself to be a casualty of someone’s selfishness. I am frightened that I can be so easily wooed from my Savior.


June 30.2009

I may be empowered, but I am an ignorant sheep who habitually remains lost.

Today I pity, rather than envy, those who’s spiritual lives are merely rolling hills instead of mountains and ravines. For the first time, I will thank the Lord for blessing me with deep valleys.


July 31.2009

I have never felt so much shame in all my life. A crawl-into-a-hole-and-die kind of shame. Despite all my terror and unwillingness, I hesitantly laid bare all my treachery and guilt. In my surrender I received undeserved pardon and peace. My brokenness waned and the start of renewal was apparent.

Have you never noticed the swift rescuing intervention of the Lord under heated tribulation and through complete surrender?

He establishes these truths: He delights most to forgive and to cast away all transgressions, that the gift He loves most is a broken and contrite heart, He is slow to anger and quick to love and forgive, that He remains steadfast and forever patient, there is no defeat for He has claimed victory over all life and in all things, and that I am no burden to Him in my dependency.

My identity has been reestablished as His daughter and most precious treasure.


August 10.2009

To Man number 1: Your desperation will undercut you and you will slowly lose yourself. This will be my justice.

To Man number 2: You chase the tails to find "I-love-you's" and always end unhappy.

To Man number 3: You have a case of the girl crazies. You’re 29. Grow up.

To Man number 4: You simply take up space.


September 2009-Beginning of April 2010

I am only a machine. (The pursuit of executing the Master’s thesis)


April to August 2010

Strings are always attached to what I do, to what I cultivate and what I build. I am a fool to convince myself otherwise.

I am also fool in thinking I can manipulate a scenario to conclude it as I wish, despite my pleasant intentions.

I have also concluded a mortifying realization that pleasant intentions are still fueled by selfish motivations. I’m the predator that I thought I would never be and I have devoured for the sake of the tale, both of them and myself.